Don't Waste This- Loss and Gain

A year has passed and I am still at a loss. 

Loss of an answer. Why wasn’t she healed? Why don’t I get to talk to my old friend, part of my heart, who always felt like home? Why don’t we get to travel to far-off places and make new memories together in this next chapter of life? We had just started doing some of that and dreaming of more. Why did I assume she would always be here? Why are her girls living each day without their mom to guide, comfort and love them? Why can’t I pick up the phone and have a walk/talk like we did so many times in the past, building each other’s faith, talking about Jesus, praying for each other’s families, laughing and remembering our times as roommates, dreaming and planning?

This is a tangible loss. My mom told me that in life we are lucky when we find a real friend, a one of a kind friend, who will always be there, consistent and true. Katie was one of those. It never crossed my mind that I would have to live without her. The pain of loss hasn’t scarred me with its long sharp nails much yet in my life. Hard to believe since it’s already been 58 years. But this loss has left its mark on me. Part of me has gone with Katie and so now I’m one step closer to being in the presence of God, with all of the peace, joy, and completion that I long for.  

“You make known to me the path of life; in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile at the thought of my beautiful Katie. After all, she is where I long to be at the end of the life God has planned for me on this earth. She has run the race, accomplished the prize and has certainly heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I can only see the present. Honestly, I have an amazing life, but the longing for what Jesus originally created before sin came into the world is always present and I know I will never be truly complete until I am with Him. Like Katie is now.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

So a year has passed and I am choosing to think about the gain.

I have known and loved a person so full of the Holy Spirit, joy, fun, wisdom and gentleness. A woman of grace, beauty, unselfishness and class. I have an eternity to spend with her, after a little while of separation: a bosom friend.

She left me gifts beyond compare. Her two daughters, who I've been connecting with in a deeper and sweeter way, are like spring flowers after a long winter. Katie generously nudged her sister and me closer together, and after knowing her for 32 years, we now have an unbreakable bond, cemented by our shared faith, joys and pains.

Katie gave me the gift of true friendship. There are just a few people in my whole life who have been that special, that much an actual part of my heart. We met at the perfect time. Both of us had recently broken off long relationships and were eager to talk about everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Sitting on the kitchen counter in our Balboa Island duplex, the words tumbled out of our mouths and into each other’s understanding ears, hour after hour, deep into the night, sharing laughter, tears, guilt, forgiveness, faith, new life.  

Neither of us had experienced a friendship quite like this, where our hearts immediately connected, enjoying each other’s company and being the other’s enthusiastic cheerleader. We both needed a new life, better choices, one guided by the Lord, and so we started going to a new church together. We were even together when I met my future husband Steve, at Rock-n-Java Coffee with a group of young adults from church. 

Thinking about those years living together brings a technicolor rush of images and feelings, the kind of color that Katie brought into the world. Bible studies, meeting new friends, watching

her draw intricate artwork on the letters she sent, going to the Marine Corp Officers’ Club, Vineyard Church of Newport Beach, making home movies, meeting Marines, teaching, her great legs in shorts and cowboy boots, pub crawls, parties, beach days, worship nights, picking up Steve’s new surfboard in her Volvo, our local laundromat, Katie running around the island every night and borrowing my lifeguard hat for her yard duty at school. A movie reel runs through my mind with these moments and more, ending with the tears we shed when she moved away.

Then life continued, far apart, but still close in heart. Our wedding celebrations. Visiting each other in those early years of being wives, traveling between Northern and Southern California. Talking on the phone about marriage, kids, family drama, being a stay-at-home-mom versus working. Katie loved my mom and sisters, my husband and kids. She always, and I mean always, commented with expressive emojis on any of our social media posts, and was the most enthusiastic supporter of whatever we did. And when she went through breast cancer, keeping it close, not reaching out much, I was sad that I didn’t know what to do. A few years later, when I went through it too, she did know what to do; she was always full of scripture, and was encouraging, prayerful, present and kind. She never stopped telling me how wonderful, faithful and brave I was. Katie always cared about me. She never held onto my past failures, but always looked for the best. 

Katie’s faith remained strong, even as she suffered more and more setbacks in those final months. I spoke truth to her and tried to strengthen her in the spaces where she was weak. I told her this battle belonged to God. She could not make the healing happen, but she loved the Lord with her whole heart and believed in miracles. The rest was up to Him. If I let myself, I can go into a deep hole of sadness. What we asked for did not happen, but I choose to trust God even though I don’t really understand. 

For now, I am not able to touch her, hear her voice, her footsteps, or experience the fullness of

her beautiful presence. The loss is great but the gain is so much more. I have the gift of Katie. She understood me and loved me. She still does, and I am trying to walk in her footsteps, living out the fruits of the Holy Spirit in this world until we are together again. As roommates? I hope so!

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23